On another note. I’m getting a lot of shit from people, telling me I am a bad mom, for letting S go back without me, and for bringing him with me in the first place, and for staying here without him. (apparently every option makes me a bad mom).
But surprisingly, nobody has asked what’s going on, what led up to this, what we are going through. No questions, just judgment. Every decision I make is with him in mind, and is made WITH him (even though I am the mom, I deeply love him, care about his thoughts, and we discuss everything).
Stealing him forever, keeping him away from other people who love him would make me a bad mom. We just wanted a few weeks. But the more people judged and told me what I “should” be doing… the more I wanted to stay. These aren’t people who love us. Leaving without telling him anything, would make me a bad mom. Staying and being too scared to to take an opportunity to try something wonderful and new, that would make me a bad mom.
Maybe I can have a meltdown here and not worry he will see it, since I have tried to be strong for him. For now I can heal and recover for a bit, not let him see me be in pain, scared, small and confused (that’s how I feel today).
Maybe he will respect that I didn’t lay down and die, everything that has happened, but chose something different. Or maybe he’ll think I chickened out when things got rough and I wanted to run away. But we did it together, and had the best trip ever!!
Hopefully he has listened to my heart, as I have listened to his. And in the end, he knows I love him more than life itself. That’s what really matters.
Maybe I can have a meltdown here and not worry he will see it, since I have tried to be strong for him. For now I can heal and recover for a bit, not let him see me be in pain, scared, small and confused (that’s how I feel today).