I was visiting with my client friend who is psychic. She helps find missing people and lost souls. I told her about my prior terror of dying. Until I did journeying with the Shamans, I had panic about ending, about being dead and being aware of it forever. It was such scary feeling, such intense terror that I would physically get ill. I was about 5 years old the first time it happened.
My grampa died when I was 3. I don’t know if he visited me later for this memory or if I was just missing him. I was upset enough that my gramma came to check on me in the night. I was sad that he was dead forever. She said he was in heaven. I didn’t agree with her, and told her I didn’t want to be dead forever too. She asked, “Don’t you think you will go to heaven?”
“No. I think I will be dead.”
So I have never believed in the traditional church, or heaven, God, or afterlife or reincarnation. I just thought there would be nothing and I would be aware of it. Forever. I was 5. Poor kid.
So was I ever a lost soul? Lost between lifetimes and didn’t know how to get back home? Probably. But it feels more true that I was a lost soul coming to Earth. Maybe I wasn’t fully wiped/erased when I was born, and I knew there was something more, something more eternal than being human… and that time was fleeting and precious. But I didn’t remember anything prior, or have hope of something after, being human. I forgot being the light, being with Creator, and love. My Soul journeys with Shamans reminded me of this- being held in the arms of Creator, knowing I was so very loved that I wept like a child.
Maybe I was born with existential abandonment, and forgot I was one with Source. I wasn’t really unloved or forgotten, banished, lost, or abandoned here on Earth. I belong after all. Maybe my birth family is my foster family or host family- they speak a foreign language and don’t quite understand me, but they agreed to take me in. Perhaps I am a foreign exchange student on a side excursion to the planet Earth, and then I will return home and tell my Soul Family all about it.
