mid life crisis?

quiet beach

I was thinking. Again.  Actually, I never stop thinking, and sometimes I have twelve thoughts and inner dialogues at the same time.  But this particular thought~ some people take sabbaticals and travel.  Some become missionaries.  Some travel Europe and stay in youth hostels, carrying just a backpack.  Some go south every winter.  Some travel in the military, some for their careers.

more quiet beach

I am traveling now.  Maybe I just wanted an excuse for an adventure.  Maybe I am having a(n) early mid life crisis.  Maybe it’s a nervous breakdown.  Maybe I should ask the doctor for some meds so I will want to sit at a desk job and work 8-5 pm.  Maybe I’ve lost my mind (I don’t hear any voices though, just birds and ocean waves).  Maybe I have itched, deep down, for much of my life for an adventure, or to experience a different culture.  Maybe this is the first time in my entire life I have had the nerve to live more than 30 miles from my home town, where I was born.  Maybe it took calamity and fear of staying the same to push me into a new direction.

lonesome hammock

But I am not really hurting anyone (I hope!!)  I am funding it myself, with the stuff I sold.  I had hoped renting out my house would pay the mortgage; so that would be a wash.  (It hasn’t exactly worked out that way, but it is being remedied.)  

I got to spend four magnificent, joyful weeks with my son.  I wish wish wish he were still here with me. It’s not nearly as fun without him.  I am so lucky he has such a great dad and grandparents who love him as much as I do.  I know he is in good hands, and I hope he never feels like I abandoned him or shipped him off so I could play. (If I had it my way, he would still be here with me!)
Next time I come here, I will plan better, when he’s not in the middle of the school year, so we could stay longer and play together.  I’ll somehow plan it around me working full time, or him in college, or him working full time with a family, tied down.  By the time I retire and have the opportunity to come back, he may be too busy or not want to spend that many weeks with his silly goofy mom.  So what a brilliant opportunity that we took advantage of now!

I have still enjoyed being here, but it’s more still, reflective, without him.  I am taking more time to think and heal.  I am independent, single, but safe; my travel companion looks out for me but gives me lots of space.  I am sure that I am growing and good will come of all this.