Morning thoughts after a turbulent week.

It seems if I maintain and keep with quiet reflective time, I stay more balanced and grounded.  If I don’t, I get overwhelmed easier and don’t have the awareness to go back into calm in the moment.

If my brain is full, I shouldn’t take in any more info or stimulation.  It’s time to pull back and process.

When big things happen, even though my instinct is to share with my partner, it might be better to pull back and reflect first.  Otherwise I’m too full to communicate well.  Or listen well.

I’m not a good listener when I’m too full.  It causes me stress to try and listen when I really need to process and share.

When I tell my partner I need them to listen, what I mean is:

I trust you with my process.  I want you to be an insider with me, part of my journey, part of my mundane 3D scheduling world and part of my existential spiritual world.  Help me find the balance.  Hear my innermost thoughts, and worries, my dreams.  Help me make a plan.  But first, care enough to be still and let me be safe to share (which means please don’t interrupt).

If for whatever reason they don’t make the time, or get distracted, or change the subject (without offering hope of a better time to share) then what I hear is:
I don’t have time for you.  Your thoughts aren’t interesting/important to me.  I only want you to hear mine, I don’t want to hear yours.  (Or worse) I don’t care about this because I’m not investing in you or our future.

While this may have been true in the past, how do I not force it to be true now out of old habits?  How do I not get defensive and triggered and still feel ok, that cutting me off or switching subjects or walking away does not always mean “I don’t love you, I am walking away emotionally and physically.”

I don’t share with or trust many.  Very very few earn that.  So if I wish to share, it’s huge for me.  How can I learn to not take it personally if for whatever reason they don’t chose to hear me?  How can I build intimacy and trust anyhow?

Big stuff for me.