I am having a hard time playing.  and being joyful and light.   Daily life- whew!!

“Responsibilities no longer seem relevant but are still necessary.”  So true.
This daily existence feels heavy, exhausting, tedious.  I feel impatient and irritable with people, especially when they don’t respect my time.  (I don’t even want to be here, don’t waste my time!)
Not my ego I hope, I’m not trying to judge.  I am different, and they don’t even begin to get it.  It’s exasperating to be around people.

I didn’t have a NDE (near death experience) to begin my spiritual emergency.  I have never fit in, have always felt like an outsider.  Animals and babies love me, people are drawn to me because I am gentle and nurturing, but then the people trample me.  I can touch plants and they grow.  I want to become a healer, a lover, a musician, an artist, a writer, a dancer, an angel, a star seed.  For now I am feeling anti-social, cranky, and lonely.  

I’ve always known something was different, longed for more meaning, truth, love, connection— like elves and trees, fairies, butterflies, all living in harmony and communicating with their hearts, part of a beautiful bigger heartbeat of the universe.

I don’t know how to get there, but I’m on my way.

The dual-ness is difficult.  Daily tasks while I’m thinking about the big picture of the universe and infinity, all is love, everything is as it should be… Weeding when I want to be growing strawberries, working when I want to be swimming, working too many hours to barely get by and not enough time to grow my food… living in the city when I want to live in the forests, near a beach and warm ocean, barefoot, lots of stars.  Focusing on the present, I don’t yet like the present.  

I like what will be.  I need to be joyful in the present, even though the present currently feels shallow and mundane.  Be in the present, and think about growing.