I have begun the official path of my spiritual journey of healing.  I am off chemicals (anti-depressants, ambien, ativan).  All natural, eating well, gardening, learning to meditate, learning reiki, raw as hell.  Part of me just wants to get it over with, part of me wants something to numb it all.  I feel it all so intensely- everything beautiful, sad, alive, lonely, I’m torn wide open, shredded, raw… partially aware, not enough to protect me.  

I am afraid I will fall in, get lost in myself.  or worse, fall out, little bits of me evaporating into the universe and never coming back, floating away until I disappeared.

From the book “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle
The “sane” are not really sane, and the psychotics are not as mad as they appear to be… such people feel unreal and disconnected… their fear of losing themselves is so consuming and over-whelming that it results in self preservation, rather than self satisfaction…   The person is plunged into a void of nonbeing in which he flounders.  There are no supports, nothing to cling to, except perhaps, some fragments of the wreck.  Madness need not be a breakdown.  It is also a breakthrough… intellectually, emotionally, interpersonally, organizationally, intuitively, theoretically, we have to blast our way through the solid wall, even if at the risk of chaos, madness, and death.

That’s the part I’m afraid of!